I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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