let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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