I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
