I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
