I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
