I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
