Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
