Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
