I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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