just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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