Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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