I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
