Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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