Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I did not marry a roomba.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
