I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
