dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
