I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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