Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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