my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
