i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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