he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
