Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
