I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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