you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
