the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
