I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
