addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
