first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
