Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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