I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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