I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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