at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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