I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
