nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
