Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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