take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
