I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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