Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
