I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
