it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
