where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
