hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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