he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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