I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
