I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
