I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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