yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
