saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
