just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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