I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
