my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
