Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
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If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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