nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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