Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
