think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
